Dear Clients,

1. Yes I know it was a cap gun and couldn't actually kill someone, but the guy you pointed it at did not know this. So when you pulled the trigger three times and sparks shot out the end he became apprehensive of immediate bodily harm. Be happy they are charging you with a misdemeanor and not a felony, take the plea before they realize their mistake and change the offer. Also I realize that the cop didn't see you run him off the road with your car, but he did and it looks as though he intends to testify. No it doesn't matter that they don't have any other witnesses. Yes he counts a witness. Because he saw you run him off the road. I'm sorry the state isn't charing him, it might have something to do with the fact that YOU ran him off the road.

2. It's great that you find the cute attorney attractive, you and everyone else. Guess where you lie on her list of people she would like to sleep with: very bottom. She's seen your file, she knows that you've been stalking your ex-wife, and she doesn't find your voice mails or drawings to be charming. Creepy is the word she would use to describe them. So I'm sorry that I'm not nearly as cute as her, but guess what that's why I'm helping you now.

3. Yes I'm very sorry that the protective order your wife got against you was invalid. I realize your wife is a no good cheating bitch that lied to the judge. Yes I realize that she slept with your best friend. She sounds like an awful person. Two quick things: First, protection order is still valid until a judge terminates it, so I don't care if she lied to get it. A judge signed it and you knew about, we have no defense. Second, if she's such an awful person WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTACT HER?

4. Thank you for inventing that wonderfully convoluted story proving your innocence that I was duty bound to investigate despite not really believing. The countless phone calls, the subpoenas and the faxes to check on your story were an excellent way for me to spend my time. I look forward to you explaining your way out of the web of lies you have created. And just so you know, once you do come clean I'm not writing a motion for you. Take the plea or go to trial, those are your options.

5. I'm so sorry that I wasn't clear in my voicemail that just the court date for your motion got cancelled and not your actual pretrial date. Fortunately we convinced the judge not to issue a warrant. All my fault. No harm came of it, but I still feel bad.

6. Yes I know that you are innocent and I know that the four cops, the witness, the doctors, the nurses and the radio dispatch people are lying. Vast conspiracy against you. I also remember everything clearly after 3 rum and cokes and a couple beers. It's nice that we have that in common.

7. Why yes I do think your plea for 0 days in jail and a $250 fine is a good offer. No I do not think I can convince the prosecutor to do better. Yes you can go to trial and yes you will lose and yes the judge will give you jail time.

8. Seriously you need to think about this offer? I negotiated your DUI down to a fucking traffic infraction and you need to think about it? I did explain that it is no longer a criminal conviction right?

Sincerely,

Petition