NOT GUILTY

of one charge, guilty of the other. So I'm claiming a victory. A very sweet victory considering that the defendant blatantly lied on the stand, told a bullshit story (which amounted to "the cop is lying"), constantly wrote me notes during trial says "That a lie" "He's a liar" ect. large enough that I'm pretty sure the jury could see, visible reacted to the police officers testimony constantly and was just a general pain the ass. He got sentenced to the amount of time he has already served and the mandatory minimum fine. He's going to appeal, he's going to lose and the court is going to impose costs on him.

My voir dire was pretty bad, my opening was ok, my cross of the police officer was pretty good, my direct sucked (not my fault my client was a moron) and I think my closing was pretty solid. I learned that I'm not very good at voir dire, cross comes naturally to me and jurors who give me the evil eye during closing worry me. Yeah I'm talking about your juror #3 I should have used a peremptory on you.

If only he would have accepted my subtle hints at how his testimony should be. Hey you thickheaded moron when I say "if you were X then I could argue Y", that is your cue to change your story to X. Don't continue to give me Z, I know Z is bullshit, so if you insist on giving me bullshit please give me the bullshit that I can work with. The last story you tell me is the story I will believe. There is a reason we go over the elements of the crime and the possible defenses before we ask for your version of events. Wink wink nudge nudge.

I can't get over how shocked the defendant was when the guilty verdict was read. His entire defense to the charge was that the cop was lying. I told him, my supervisor told him and another attorney told him that it was an uphill battle and that his chances were not good.

To recap, first trial and I can claim victory. I never really thought I had a realistic chance with the first charge and I'm happy I won the second charge. Next time Not Guilty on all charges. Next time a defendant who isn't a complete tool.

Today was rough, tomorrow looks better

I screwed up and didn't do something I was supposed to. Not a big deal, and no one told me I had to do it, I just probably should have known. Didn't hurt anything and other circumstances ended up making my mistake moot.

Judge was an asshole extraordinaire today (and not because of my mistake, he didn't even know about my mistake). He's racist, unfair and rude. Although he sure speeds through the pleas so we can get out of there much faster than the other judge. I prefer nice and reasonable to quick though. So happy my trial next week is in front of the nice judge.

I'm very frustrated with my pain in the ass clients taking so much of my time. I can't help you dude, there are no issues for trial in your case. Sure we can still go to trial but its a bad bad idea. Stop calling me your trial isn't until August, let me work on the person who might have trial next week. She has important issues that should win at trial. I haven't spoken with her in weeks because she doesn't call and I'm too busy dealing useless clients bullshit.

My next trial does not have nearly as good of issues as my first attempted trial. Frankly the client should have plead to the first offer. Unfortunately he has chosen to exercise his right to a trial with a jury of peers. A jury of his peers that is going to convict the hell out of him. That is the last negative thing I'm going to say. All of tomorrow I'm going to be positive and psych myself up for winning. That's right you heard it hear first Petition is going to win his first trial.

I'm so sick and tired of ironing shirts for work. I hate dry cleaning (and I'm cheap, oh so very cheap) so I launder my shirts on my own. Plus I'm good at ironing. When it was a less frequent thing and wearing nice shirts was just for pleasure I found ironing relaxing and a nice break from the hectic pace of law school. Now ironing is just a chore that has to be done everyday.

Dear Clients,

1. Yes I know it was a cap gun and couldn't actually kill someone, but the guy you pointed it at did not know this. So when you pulled the trigger three times and sparks shot out the end he became apprehensive of immediate bodily harm. Be happy they are charging you with a misdemeanor and not a felony, take the plea before they realize their mistake and change the offer. Also I realize that the cop didn't see you run him off the road with your car, but he did and it looks as though he intends to testify. No it doesn't matter that they don't have any other witnesses. Yes he counts a witness. Because he saw you run him off the road. I'm sorry the state isn't charing him, it might have something to do with the fact that YOU ran him off the road.

2. It's great that you find the cute attorney attractive, you and everyone else. Guess where you lie on her list of people she would like to sleep with: very bottom. She's seen your file, she knows that you've been stalking your ex-wife, and she doesn't find your voice mails or drawings to be charming. Creepy is the word she would use to describe them. So I'm sorry that I'm not nearly as cute as her, but guess what that's why I'm helping you now.

3. Yes I'm very sorry that the protective order your wife got against you was invalid. I realize your wife is a no good cheating bitch that lied to the judge. Yes I realize that she slept with your best friend. She sounds like an awful person. Two quick things: First, protection order is still valid until a judge terminates it, so I don't care if she lied to get it. A judge signed it and you knew about, we have no defense. Second, if she's such an awful person WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTACT HER?

4. Thank you for inventing that wonderfully convoluted story proving your innocence that I was duty bound to investigate despite not really believing. The countless phone calls, the subpoenas and the faxes to check on your story were an excellent way for me to spend my time. I look forward to you explaining your way out of the web of lies you have created. And just so you know, once you do come clean I'm not writing a motion for you. Take the plea or go to trial, those are your options.

5. I'm so sorry that I wasn't clear in my voicemail that just the court date for your motion got cancelled and not your actual pretrial date. Fortunately we convinced the judge not to issue a warrant. All my fault. No harm came of it, but I still feel bad.

6. Yes I know that you are innocent and I know that the four cops, the witness, the doctors, the nurses and the radio dispatch people are lying. Vast conspiracy against you. I also remember everything clearly after 3 rum and cokes and a couple beers. It's nice that we have that in common.

7. Why yes I do think your plea for 0 days in jail and a $250 fine is a good offer. No I do not think I can convince the prosecutor to do better. Yes you can go to trial and yes you will lose and yes the judge will give you jail time.

8. Seriously you need to think about this offer? I negotiated your DUI down to a fucking traffic infraction and you need to think about it? I did explain that it is no longer a criminal conviction right?

Sincerely,

Petition

I have my own office now

I have a mini fridge and two huge windows, view kind of sucks (roof of the building next door) but at least I'm not stuck in the library anymore.

I'm going to second chair next week. Going to do the cross and opening probably. I had interviews today and did some research. Also did a sentence review and asked for a continuance in another case. Pretty sure the client was lying to me about why he wanted the continuance. Was very happy when the judge just granted it and didn't ask why I was requesting it.

I've learned to lower clients expectations so when I get what I expect from the prosecutor they are happier. I don't lie to the clients I just tell them what the prosecutor is going to offer, not what I think he will agree to in negotiations. If you tell them realistically what you can get they want better. If you tell them what the prosecutor will offer and then you get better they are happy with you. It's all about Lowered Expectations.

I have a dirty secret I've been keeping from the blog. I can't keep it inside anymore so here it is: I love techno and shitty dance music. I mean I like absolute trash. Current favorite song "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa, I also love Bomfunk MC's "Hypnotic", pretty much anything by Scooter or Gigi D'Agostino and so much more crap that I don't have time to list it.

If dating were a contest

I would be an 8 time loser. It's been so long since I dated someone that I really liked a lot that I had forgotten how much breaking up can hurt. The past two break ups were pretty much painless affairs. I feel absolutely awful after this one. It's kind of selfish but right now all I want is for her not to hate me for ending things. It just wasn't working and had to be done. We had a pretty good time up until the actaully break up conversation. The drive to and from the airport was hard.

I had my first client last week who actually claimed innocence. My supervisor wasn't feeling well so she left me to do her remaining interviews. I prepared to explain the plea offer to the client as they are usually guilty and the plea offer is usually a pretty good deal. I was also prepared to explain what I would ask the prosecutor for in negotiations. Instead I had to listen to a fairly convoluted story of identity theft and stolen purses that led to the wrong person being charged for the crime. She had some documentation to back her claims and I believe but remain skeptical. (If that makes any sense). Going to do some investigating and see what happens.

Got yelled at by a racist judge last week in court. Was not pleasant at all. I hate that justice is so different depending upon which judge a client is assigned.

My blog turns 1 today

And to celebrate I'm not going to work.

I would have been awesome

My voir dire was great, my opening was solid, my crosses were perfect, my direct was simple and easy to follow, my closing was fantastic and the world will never get to see them.

The cop was unavailable due to some bullshit reason and the case got dismissed with prejudice. Good for the client, awful for me.

I was essentially useless the rest of the day. I was running on nothing but adrenaline (although I actually slept better than I thought) so when my trial got dismissed I crashed. Threw me into a bit of a funk for the rest of the day. I was really happy for my client, who won't lose his CDL now (not that he would have lost it after I earned him a not guilty verdict, but I digress) and devastated at the same time when I heard the judge say "dismissed pause with prejudice". The state moved to continue obviously but this case was continued last time because the same officer wasn't available. The judge didn't seem too pleased with the state's weak as reason. I really think the prosecutor had another look at the facts of this case and realized what a loser it was for him but didn't want to dismiss it this late in the game. I think this was a way for him to save face and get rid of the case.

The really sucky thing is that the witness that wasn't available was not important to the state's case at all. Probably would have brought that up if it wouldn't have hurt my clients chances of getting the dismissal. This whole advocating for my clients best interests to my detriment kind of sucks. So far doing what is best for my client has cost me an awesome motion and a trial.

Oh dear god why did I agree to this?

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than a trial tomorrow. What the hell was I thinking? If I throw up during voir dire can I get a mistrial? What about during my opening? Passing out during closing?

As an undergrad doing mock trial we would sing a song before trials to calm down. The song was one our coach wrote when he was an undergrad, it went something like this:
"I like swiss cheese, I like swiss cheese I like it, I like it"
"He likes swiss cheese, he likes swiss cheese, he likes it, he likes it."

I'd also do cross examinations of really bad pop songs:

So, if I want to be your lover, I have to get with your friend?
Make it last forever?
Friendship, it never ends?
You'll tell me what you want?
What you really really want?
You want a zig-a-zig ahh?
Taking is to easy, but that's the way it is?

Or:
You're going to get me drunk?
Get me love drunk off your humps?
Your hump, your humps, your humps?
Your lovely lady lumps?
Check 'em out?

Somehow I don't think my supervisor will go for that tomorrow. I should probably choose a more recent song:
Touch your body?
Put you on the floor?
Wrestle you around?
Play with your some more?
If I tell anyone about our secret rendezvous, you will hunt me down?

Public Defender Intern - 1, Private Counsel with a coke problem - 0

Client doesn't have his license and got charged with driving with a suspended license. Conviction of that crime carries with it a mandatory revocation of your license for an additional year, UNLESS you have your license when you plead guilty and the judge signs a form telling the DMV not to do the additional year of revocation. The important thing for my story is that the law requires the person have their license renewed in order to avoid the one year additional revocation.

So my client (we'll call him License Boy) continued his case last time to get his license. Turns out he wasn't eligible for his license for awhile. He wasn't eligible until late next year so there was no way that we could continue his case for him to get it renewed. Prosecutor said offer of no jail time would go away if he didn't plea today. Told the client this and went over the plea paperwork with him. Then went to deal with the hoards of other clients I had to deal with. Today was insane. I had to push people out of the way to get in and out of the courtroom.

While I'm talking with other clients License Boy and his parents somehow start talking to a private attorney. Private attorney (we'll call him Moron) is apparently hungry for clients. He tells License Boys parents that if he takes over the case the prosecutor won't take the offer away if he continues it because he will be new counsel. He also says that he can get the judge not to order the additional license revocation even if he isn't relicensed. Now License Boy's parents are telling me that they want to hire Moron to "go to bat" for their son. I tell Moron why License Boy isn't eligible for what he is offering them, he questions my knowledge and asks what authority I have that on. I ask the two public defenders in court with me, they both agree. Moron doesn't buy it and asks me to look it up. One of the public defender is a complete bitch to him (self described) and tell him to look it up himself. Morong goes and calls someone. While Moron is on the phone I go and get a copy of the statute because I want to assure License Boy and his parents that they are doing the right thing. Moron returns as I'm showing statute to License Boy's parents and says he doesn't know my authority but he's friend says I'm right so License Boy should probably take the deal I've arranged for him. At this point the parent's start apologizing.

Story isn't over yet. I take down Moron's name and website from the business card he gave Moron's parents. When I get back to the office I tell my supervisor about it. She goes on to tell me about an interesting experience she had while doing the jail calender about 4 years ago. She shows up and the guards tell her "There is an attorney of there (points) that would like to speak with you." She looks and sees only inmates. "Where I don't see him?" she asks. "There the inmate" the guards reply. Turns out Moron got picked up for having some cocaine. First thing he tells the judge is "I'm a member of the bar and I'm addicted to cocaine and alcohol."

I then look up Moron's website. On that site Moron makes the bold claim: "I understand how the system works, and what you and I need to do before your next court appearance." He also professes to be proficient in license suspension / revocation matters. He has 18 years of experience.

So to recap. Private Attorney with 18 years of experience go his ass handed to him by Public Defender Intern with 2.5 weeks experience.

I still haven't made an actual appearance in court since my supervisor wasn't available to be in court with me today. This means my very first court appearance will be for a jury trial on Monday. If I lose I'll be devastated for a bit and if I win I will be unbearable. My head will swell so large I'll have trouble getting through doors. Voir Dire scares me, I've got the rest covered.

Tragedy

A complete miscarriage of justice occurred today: Mr. Crackdealer lost his appeal. The unfortunate thing is I think this guy might have had a chance if he hadn't obviously made up his testimony while on the stand. Hell if he could have just made up a more believable story he might have had a chance. I've lost all the petitions for review (guess I should have chosen a different name), and my appeal. The only thing remaining is my termination of parental rights with the mother of the year who left mid trial for a trip to Vegas. So essentially all of last year I did nothing that actually helped anyone and yet I still loved it.

It's weird being the 2L intern in the office this year. I liked having another intern above me to sound questions off of before going to a real attorney. Helped make me look smart when I talked to the attorneys. Now the other intern asks me questions and expects me to know things just because I'm a 2L and have done some of this shit before. Way too much pressure. The other intern goes to a school with a mandatory 2.6-2.7 curve. I also realized that with my current GPA (despite all my bitching about it sucky) actually qualifies me to graduate cum laude. If I don't slack off as much as last semester again (didn't even start my papers until finals week) I think I'll be able to maintain.

I have a case and I really want to write a motion on to get it dismissed because the cop didn't have probable cause to pull my client over. It's a good motion and other attorneys I've spoken with say it has a 70-80% chance of succeeding. The client's record is so bad and she's been in custody for so long that she just doesn't care and wants to take the plea, get credit for time served and go on with her life. I can't fault her decision, but I really wanted to argue her motion. Damn my ethical duty to put the clients interests first. She was so happy when I went to talk with her in the jail and told her she's only facing 35 days in jail and more convictions. I never thought in my life that I would make someone happy by letting them know they will get 35 days in jail.

I got an email asking me how much to sell text links on the site for ink cartridges. It's spam, but I replied anyway. If you start seeing text adds for ink cartridges then you will know two things: 1. it wasn't spam and 2. I'm making $500 a day.

Oh and I think they must teach brown shoes and black suits in prosecutor school because I've seen it on two different prosecutors. At least I haven't seen a fake pocket square so far.

I have a trial next week

3 weeks in and I've been given my first jury trial. So far I've made jury instructions, outlined my motions in liminie and started writing my opening. Tomorrow I'm going to finish my motions and opening, interview my client, prepare direct and cross and then learn how to do voir dire.

I continue loving this job.