Letters

I realize this will come as no surprise to any of the real PDs who read this, but I didn't realize that prosecutors didn't know the law. I didn't realize that part of my job was teaching them the law.

Dear Prosecutor,

Why am I asking you to dismiss this case? Well let's consider this case that is directly on point that says the stop is bad. With no probable cause for the stop all the evidence after the stop becomes fruit of the poisonous tree and must be excluded. This stop was based entirely on X. My case says that stops based on X lack probable cause. Thus this stop lacked probable cause. All of the evidence in this case is a result of a search incident to arrest. A search incident to arrest is not valid if the initial stop lacked probable cause.

Sincerely,
Petition

Dear Prosecutor,

Thank you for responding by telling me that I've read the case incorrectly by citing to an older case not on point. In the future I won't be helpful and I won't summarize the case for you. In the future I will just copy and paste the direct quotes that say I'm right and you're wrong. In the future I will treat you like a child. Additionally here is a direct quote from my case directly on point showing you that I'm right.

Sincerely,
Petition

Dear Prosecutor,

No I will not agree to a continuance for you to respond to my motion. I shouldn't have to write this motion, you should be dismissing the case.

Sincerely,
Petition

Dear Clients,

1. Thank you for missing your appointment. I didn't need to meet with you to prepare a defense for your case. I'm such an amazing intern and my supervisor is such an amazing attorney that we are able to prepare defenses without knowing your side of the case. Also it's nice that you didn't show up because I didn't want to wear a t-shirt and jeans, but instead wanted to wear something a little more professional in this heat. I enjoy sweating.

2. Thank you for not returning my numerous calls. Negotiating with the prosecutor has been very easy not knowing if you have completed the numerous things discussed. Oh you weren't going to do that until you heard from me whether the prosecutor would give us a deal? And you were going to learn this from me how? So I was supposed to lie to the prosecutor and tell him you'd done X and if he agreed to the deal you would then actually do X? Ok well allow me to be the first to welcome you to the real world. In the real world things don't work like that. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.

3. You are crazy and for the first time I was uncomfortable being alone in my office with a client. I don't believe you, you need medication and lots and lots of counseling. I'm not that torn up over the fact that you might lose your kid because I'm not sure you should be around children. Also I am not your divorce attorney.

4. Why must you insist on taking the crappy plea when I think there is a good trial issue? You are held on other far more serious charges anyway so its not like you would be getting out of jail anytime soon. You wouldn't even have to testify. You just sit there and act pretty while I conduct a trial. The worst that happens is almost identical to the crappy plea offer. Shit more jail time really means is that the judge can revoke less of it when you violate the terms of probation.

Sincerely,
Petition